Man Training 1.0

I can’t tell you where I live because if you hate squirrels as much as anyone trying to grow fruits or vegetables, well, you might be tempted to report my hubby to the local sheriff’s department.  In our small town, instead of those sex predator maps, we have squirrel feeder maps, with bull-eyes over the homes of all the vile sons-of-bitches who actually feed the varmints.  Like my husband.

So far Hubby has skirted under the radar, however, we did have a close call the other day when our neighbor came up for a visit and saw this dude (or dudess) begging at the back door.

Outlaw Squirrel

Evil scourge targeted by the Drone Hawks

“Aha,” she said. “Now I know why I can’t go out the back door without being attacked by a squirrel.”  She owns a dog, one of the pets on the city’s approved pets lists.

Luckily she didn’t report him to the local squirrel-hating vigilantes.


Man Training 1.0 is held on our back deck every morning and evening.  The birds stayed away at first, allowing the squirrels to teach Hubby their rules, such as:


Basic Squirrel Rules

“Don’t give us any of those raw peanuts!  Yuck! We only want the roasted kind.”

“We don’t see straight ahead.  Toss our peanuts to either our left or right and then get outta our way.”

“If we tap at the back door, that means we’re hungry.  Doesn’t matter if you have guests or not.  We like a party just like everyone else.”

Once Hubby got those basic rules down,  the birds (particularly the scrub jays) began teaching him their various cries such as:  “Eek, there’s a hawk.”  Evidently they don’t want him throwing out food and tempting young ones when a hawk is circling.  The town has installed perches throughout the hills in order to encourage hawks to deal with the, ahem, squirrel problem.  They patrol the skies above our house every morning and night, waiting to swoop down for a snack.  Unfortunately they not very picky.  A young quail makes a mighty tasting treat.

Now Hubby claims to be able to distinguish squirrel family members.  “There’s Sammy,” he told me one morning. “He’s the son of Rufus, the One-Eyed.”  Although I never asked him how he knew such things.  Perhaps he’s become the Squirrel Whisperer.


Post-script:  In doing my scholarly research for this blog, I discovered the following examples of squirrel/man interactions which more or less prove that squirrels are more intelligent than man:

One thought on “Man Training 1.0

  1. “Hubby”: These squirrels are Eastern Red squirrels. Someone apparently thought they were so cute that they brought them out to California. Technically, they are an invasive species. But since no one has any idea of what the original species was that lived here (there are 443 species of squirrels), they will stay. It is hard to get to know the male squirrels because the female squirrel only mates with a male for one season. Then she finds a new consort. The male squirrel goes elsewhere to find a new mate. The male squirrels perform for the female squirrel and she selects the “best in show”.

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