Five Weddings, No Funerals

Weddings are such interesting affairs….

girls

New friends

Sometimes you meet new friends. Sometimes you act silly with old ones.

sillyjane

Old friends

 

But, something always goes wrong, despite all manner of planning. And let’s be honest.  Don’t we all attend weddings hoping to see something go awry? Thinking in our evil little minds how cool it would be if the best man got drunk and said something wildly inappropriate in his toast!  And aren’t we just a wee bit disappointed with weddings that go exactly as planned?

At my brother’s first wedding, the amateur cameraman inserted the film backwards, thus there are no pictures of the event, which is just as well. It was such a hot day that two bridesmaids fainted at the altar. I was the only one left standing in my fuchsia frock, sweating like a pig.  I couldn’t wait to get out of that sauna-like chapel until I realized that the adjoining reception hall also was not air-conditioned.

Let me tell you – a four layer wedding cake does not fare well in temperatures hovering around 103 degrees.

weddingcake

Whoops! It’s a cakeslide!

The frosting holding the layers together quickly melts and, instead of acting like glue, acts like grease and the cake slides…and slides…and slides.  And that is what greeted the wedding guests.  Slide cake and warm fruit punch.

My sister got married in a church in Virginia City Nevada.  Virginia City is known to old-timers  as the hangout of the Cartwrights, owners of the  Ponderosa, a cattle ranch just outside the town as depicted in the 1950s television show “Bonanza.”  Of course, as any Nevadan can tell you, there are no large cattle ranches outside of Virginia City, especially any which also border on Lake Tahoe!

If the Cartwrights actually owned that much of the north shore of Tahoe they would have been able to buy Switzerland.

The Ponderosa. If the Cartwrights actually owned that much of the north shore of Tahoe they would have been able to buy Switzerland.

My father was in charge of  transporting three things up to Virginia City: the bouquets, the bride, and the matron of honor (me).  My father was the original “Absent Minded Professor” and thus rarely trusted with important tasks, however, my mother thought this to be an assignment even he could not bungle. Ha! He fooled her. He arrived at my mother’s house a little early with a bottle of chilled champagne he thought would relieve the stress of the upcoming event and we drank it. Guzzled would probably be more accurate.

It wasn’t until the organist began the Wedding March that I realized we’d forgotten something.  I had nothing to hold in my hands. I wiggled my fingers together a few minutes before it dawned on me – we’d forgotten the bridal bouquets.

“Psssst! No flowers!” I whispered to the folks sitting at the rear of the church. Giggling they passed the “pssst” up to the front, alerting my mother to the catastrophe. She hastily pulled a few daisies from the arrangements at the altar and brought them back to us, all the while scowling at my father.  Did I mention my parents were divorced?

hairdo

Me getting “done” for my daughter’s wedding.

Wedding disaster #3: My daughter decided to get married in Hawaii.  Also during a heat wave.  Thus, when it came time to get my hair done, I begged the stylist to pull my unmanageable mop up and off my neck.  Of course, it refused to cooperate.  It took several thousand hairpins and three cans of ultra strength hair spray to get it into shape. During the wedding molten plastic tickled the back of my neck. After the wedding I should have removed the pins and washed my hair but instead I flopped into bed exhausted and fell asleep.  I awoke the next morning with my head glued to the pillow case. Strands of hair, which had escaped the plastic helmet my coif had become, melted across my nose, eyes and lips and sticking to my skin like crazy glue.  I couldn’t hear a thing.  Thankfully none of the many geckos running around our rental house fell unto my head during the night otherwise I would’ve looked like a lizard-headed Medusa.

Mayberry

Mighty suspicious looking sunglasses, son!

At my son’s wedding, in tiny Hudson New York, heat was not a problem however the day of the wedding the cellist, who’d come out from the west coast to play at the wedding, was arrested and taken to the police station  (think Mayberry RFP) apparently because the sunglasses he wore matched the description of a pair worn by a local robbery suspect. Luckily the cellist had a day job back in Reno.  He was a fireman.

Anna

Anna in front of the factory

During the reception the skies let loose.  Thunder and lightening shook the old factory where the wedding had taken place, followed by a hard rain from which the sieve-like roof provided little protection.  Luckily it was a brief downpour.

All in all my brother’s wedding in Reno went very smoothly.  Mother was a bad girl, of course, refusing to sit where she was supposed to. But everyone expects a bit of bad behavior from Mother.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Five Weddings, No Funerals

  1. Funny! I especially love the picture of you getting your hair done for your daughter’s wedding. Is that Deborah Harry in John Waters’ “Hairspray?” And yes, I agree that crazy/disastrous things almost always happen at weddings, especially the best-planned ones. That’s what makes them interesting!

  2. HA HA HA HA! Both sections are excellent.

    Makes me want to copy the first part to put on my wall.

    The second part is oh-so-amusing!

    Sorry I didn’t read this sooner. I have had my head down to the keyboard, trying to get the $@#$$ art book finished, and have not been reading my mail.

    Happy shopping.

  3. At my aunt’s Baptist (no drinking) wedding in the 40’s my dad put liquor Grandmother’s punch. A good time was had by all – but family lore has it that his mother-in-law never did forgive him. My uncle ( the groom) told me this story just in recent yrs.

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