Last Friday I broke into the Jordan Almonds that I’d been saving for some special occasion. Generally I don’t keep such treats in the house because I can’t resist eating them all. But I saw them on sale just before Easter and thought the children who planned to visit us might like them (and if they didn’t, well I deserve a treat every now and then, don’t I?)

Upon arrival, said children announced their intention to become Buddhists and move to some smallish island off the coast of Japan. They ignored the Jordan Almonds. They ignored the Sees chocolate bunnies. They instead opted for oatmeal. I flirted with Buddhism in my youth and I don’t remember Jordan Almonds or chocolate bunnies ever being considered taboo items. I remember sitting on the floor and meditating with homemade prayer beads (which were actually lug nuts on a string). And then heading off to buy a Baskin Robbins ice cream cone. I guess we were Hedonistic Buddhists.

But times change … On with my story.

Upon first bite I concluded that the Jordan Almonds must have been on the shelf for decades and that’s why they were on sale. Upon first bite I also lost half of one of my molars.

“How are you other than falling apart?” The young dentist asked after examining my x-ray. “The filing in that tooth is so heavy that the tooth actually broke apart. What were you eating?”

“Jordan Almonds.”

“The good news is: the filling is still intact.”

“So I didn’t swallow the filling … I swallowed my tooth?”

“Lucky you! No mercury poisoning and, I think there’s enough left of the tooth that I can build a crown.”

Dentists on a Friday afternoon always seem so chipper, don’t they?

Min, my dentist’s new assistant, orders me to stay seated for “the insurance.” The Insurance comes with another bit of “good news.” A new crown will only me cost a thousand dollars! But I’d better get it done soon otherwise I could need a root canal and that’s a whole lot ‘nutter ballgame!

I have never had a root canal but I will take everyone’s word that it’s worse than death.

“So … we can do now?” Min asks cheerfully.

“Really?” How could I get so lucky. Someone must have cancelled.

Before I know it, my mouth is swabbed with the numbing gel and then comes the needle. Halfway thru the dentist’s drill hits a nerve as that old metal filling decides to put up a fight. “Good news! That pain means what’s left of the tooth is still alive!” More numbing gel applied. My face puffs up like a balloon. Pretty soon it will pop!

After the temporary is made and set in place, Min appears with “The List” which must be followed or else: only soft food for two weeks (no Jordan Almonds), no floss on that side; gargle with Hydrogen Peroxide but “no swallow.” Take aspirin for pain, etc, etc.

I hate to break it to Min but there’s no way I’m gargling with Hydrogen Peroxide. Knowing me, I’d probably swallow it like I did half my tooth.