The Grumpy Old Lady has a good day!

I have to admit I’ve been grumpy lately.  Could be all the smoke in the air.  Could be the rash of bad news I’ve gotten lately regarding friends and family.  Could be that I’m just turning into a grumpy old lady!

Josie Jameson and the Stone Witch

Jennifer Hotes,  Author of the Stone Witch series

So yesterday when my friend Jennifer – who has to be the nicest lady on the planet (check her out here) – decided to feature a review of my book Willful Avoidance on her blog, the news couldn’t have come at a better time.  This was a hard book for me to write and promoting it has left me, well grumpy.  Who wants to read a book that has, at its core, a battle for innocent spouse relief?  Ugh, right?

So, dear friends, please forgive this grumpy old lady for a bit of blatant self-promotion, here is her review:

As an author myself, I know how much time and love it takes to craft a novel which makes me feel all the worse for wolfing down JT Twissel’s latest book in a matter of hours. Within the first chapters I came to care about Maya and her uphill battle against a horrible ex-husband and the IRS. Grounded in reality, her story was dramatic, funny, tragic and wonderful.
What I appreciated most is that Twissel didn’t write what the readers wanted to read, but instead wrote the organic journey of Maya with all her ups and downs. The result is a book with a story you could chew on and with twists that kept me reading late into the night! An added bonus of this book was coming away with a rudimentary understanding of our tax laws. Twissel, you’re a sneaky one. Have you ever thought about teaching the subject at the university?
Willful Avoidance spans multiple genres. Mystery, Thriller & Suspense, Legal, Women’s Fiction, Humor, Literature & Fiction, Contemporary Women, and Political – there’s something to entice every reader.
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One of Jennifer’s drawings – titled appropriately “The Old Lady” – it does kind of look like me!

Here is the link to Jennifer’s website.  If you have a sec, please check it out! Thanks!

The Typo That Got Away

Are you really, really ready to publish this book?

Are you really, really ready to publish this book?

I missed Shakespeare’s birthday celebration because I was in the middle of final, final edits.  Those of you who are writers are keenly aware of the abject horror of final, final edits. Basically the publisher says to you: “Here is your last chance to catch embarrassing typos, missing words, misplaced commas, etc.  After you sign off, your work will be paraded naked through Amazon and, if you missed anything, you will be the laughing stock of the literary world. But what do we care.  You’re not making us any money.”

And you know, don’t you know, don’t you know, that despite the many, many, many times you and your editor and the proofreader go over the manuscript, as night follows day, something will be missed.

It was . . . The Typo That Got Away!

It was . . . The Typo That Got Away!

Oh yes.  That nasty little bugger – the  Typo That Got Away – is hiding somewhere in the text, somewhere weary eyes haven’t a chance of finding him.

However, that first reviewer, oh yes, never fear.  Your first reviewer will find it.  And they’ll dangle it in front of your face as if to say –  “what kind of a writer are you anyway?”

Buy my book!  Review my book!

Buy my book! Review my book!

Sigh.  The second worst thing about final, final edits is – guess what – it’s Circus Barker time because you know if you don’t start out of the gate with 35 five star reviews well, you might as well have never written the book at all.  You’ve just frigging wasted all the years of your life you devoted to writing it.

I’m not a huge fan of Kafka but when it’s Circus Barker time I feel like I’m devolving into a giant praying mantis, sliming all my friends and colleagues.

PrayingMantis

Write me a review or else!

Beetlejuice

The Typo That Got Away

I know what.  This time I’ll do it a little differently.  I’ll offer a reward for the Typo that Got Away.  Dead or Alive. Or better yet, I’ll sell my soul to . . . Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice 

A Boy and his Monkey

WishkidMany years ago I was a volunteer for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. At that time the organization was only four years old, having been founded in 1980 in Phoenix Arizona.  (The first “wish” kid was a little boy who wanted to be a fireman when he grew up which was not likely to happen.) 

Scotty

Scott Douglas Newman, gone too soon but never forgotten

There are many ways you can volunteer, ranging from working in the office to “interviewing” the children and their parents.  Many volunteers prefer not to interview families for the obvious reasons but since I joined primarily because of my nephew, I decided not to take the easy route. I figured I knew what the families were going through.  Most of the interviewers I worked with were also the aunts or uncles of a child who’d died so I was not alone in seeking redemption.

ladyTramp

The number one wish when I worked for the Foundation was to go to Disneyland

My training was at an Italian restaurant near the Oakland Airport, one of those places with plastic grapes, checkered tablecloths and, to further set the ambiance, it was across the street from the Teamsters Hall.   The restaurant allowed Make-a-Wish to use one of their banquet rooms. They even provided platters of antipasto and soft drinks during our breaks. 

Interviewers, as we were called, always work in twos.  One questions the child while the other goes over the process and paperwork with the parents or guardians in another room. Unfortunately many adults will try to manipulate a child into wishing for something like a family vacation to Hawaii, something beyond the conception of a four year old child. So Make-a-Wish was forced to mandate that the child be interviewed in a separate room.

 The important thing was to note the child’s actual wish without making any promises.  Just to acknowledge it; to write it down.  If possible to get a second and third wish in case the first is denied.  Sometimes the wish can be very simple, for a turtle or a monkey.  The older the child, the more elaborate the wish.   

Hogan

My first Wish child wanted to meet Hulk Hogan – a true hero to Make-a-Wish.

I can still remember the pile of paperwork we were required to go through with the adults – forms to be completed by the child’s doctors, releases of liability, etc.  Nowadays it’s probably all done by computer but back then computers were in their infancy and so we arrived with a daunting pile of paper. Imagine arriving on the doorsteps of people in pain of the most unimaginable kind with a pile of papers they have to sign in order to give their child a few moments of joy. You feel like the shiny-faced harbinger of doom.

 After the interviews were complete, one of the interviewers either sent or delivered the paperwork to the main office.  Then we were assigned another case. Generally we weren’t informed of the progress of the case unless the first, second or even third wish was not approved.  Then we would have to re-interview the family which is akin to requesting a second root canal.  

AsiaSociety

From AsiaSociety

The number one reason for wish rejection was the child’s medical condition. I had one little boy with brain cancer who only wanted a monkey.  He didn’t ask for a second or third wish.  It was a monkey or nothing.  Given his fragility the doctors absolutely refused.  It broke my heart. The little boy’s family had been drawn and quartered by his illness.  His estranged parents openly argued about what the boy’s wish should be as he stood in tears.  If you’ve ever watched a little boy with visible signs of the cancer protruding from his bare skull cry, I guarantee you will never forget it.

The experience I wish I could have given that little boy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rjoRSoHsVk

Wrestlemania

My last Make-a-Wish child, a beautiful young lady, wanted to go to Wrestlemania. I never understood why until I had to fight to survive.

I lasted about five years until my marriage started to fall apart. I remember each of the kids.  One of them actually gave me the courage to change my life.

What unlikely source of inspiration gave you the courage to change your life?

Images, except for Scotty and the monkey, are courtesy of bing.com.

Confronting the BOE

ResTree

This is the reservoir near my home where from time to time I’ve been known to take a stroll, watch the pelicans land like water skiers on the placid surface of the water, or the fishermen in their aluminum ponds, rods in hand, silently waiting for fish to bite. It’s a nice place to muse over dilemmas. You see, fans of The Demise of Dickey Parts One and Two, I have no idea where to go with this demented tale.dog

  • Will Dinah have Dickie stuffed and mounted in her office over looking the MGM Studios?
  • Will Donald DePew destroy Trevor Lamour’s bad boy reputation by telling Celebrities Daily that he uses words like “nifty” and wasn’t sexually abused in his youth by the League of Demented Nuns?
  • Will Disney dump Dinah for Dora the Explorer?

I don’t have the answers so I’m going to return what I do know and what I promised sometime back – a glimpse of Board of Equalization hearings.  For those of you new to my blog – Howdy!

And thank you very much for stopping by!  I blabber on about many things but lately about subjects pertinent to taxes as a battle for innocent spouse relief is at the core of my next book, Willful Avoidance (originally subtitled: Secrets of a Kick Ass Tax Woman.)  So, as promised, here is one of the pivotal chapters of the book.


From Willful Avoidance  (with any luck, to be published April 15, 2015)

The battle was about to begin: the Invincible Tax Men versus the Willful Avoiders of Public Duty. Each side would have their moment in the ring, unless a Willful Avoider cried “uncle” after arm-bending, threats and promises for leniency were made in last-minute deals. Fully versed on all new laws and decisions, the Tax Men had the home court advantage. The Willful Avoiders, especially the small-scale divisions with no direct plan (just an overwhelming belief in the humanity of their story) had little chance. But it all rested ultimately in the hands of the judges, the mighty BOE, now sharpening their pencils (metaphorically) as they prepared to play Solomon. On this day they would need to appear kindly but judicial, full of wisdom but not easily conned. All opinions rendered were, of course, of public record and therefore available for scrutiny by the voting public.
The hall outside the boardroom held all the merriment of an emergency room. Four or five groups stood in nervous circles negotiating with FTB lawyers. They rattled their sabers quietly, in hushed tones as though at any moment one of the illustrious members of the BOE came through the boardroom door.
The litigants for the two cases Roberta knew were doomed to fail already sat in the back of the boardroom confidently. Their summaries were astonishingly brief, they had no exhibits to speak of, no legal representation, just some sort of rambling notion that they were in the right or that their current economic condition would get them out of an FTB debt. One appellant had even sent his cousin to plead his case because he couldn’t get off work. That would be a costly mistake. At nine thirty she walked over to the two groups still remaining in the hall. One was the Ravel Stone & Gravel gang with the very important lawyer, the other a woman and two men, one of whom Roberta knew quite well.
It was time to go into the boardroom, she explained to both groups. “Even if your case isn’t scheduled until eleven, the board requires all litigants to be in attendance for opening remarks. After the board begins hearing cases, you can move your negotiations out to the hall again. But,” she cautioned, as Ravel Stone & Gravel sulked away, “keep in mind that the BOE rarely needs the allotted thirty-five minutes to decide a case. After they hear one case, they continue right on to the next one without taking a break. If your case is called in court and you do not respond, you will lose your chance to appeal.”
“What would we do without you, Robbie?” Mark Slattery chuckled, putting an unwanted hand of her shoulder.
“Cut the bull, Slattery.” He flirted with her as young men often do with women they consider mother figures, only Slattery wasn’t that young, and Roberta wasn’t that old.
“You must be Maya Bethany,” she said, reaching over to shake the hand of the woman standing across from Slattery. She was a pretty woman with wavy auburn hair pulled back into a ponytail, soft grey eyes, and the high cheekbones of someone of Slavic descent. Other than a hint of lipstick, she wore no makeup and she’d dressed conservatively in slacks and a crisp, white blouse. Bravo, Roberta thought. It was the perfect look—neither flashy nor too casual. Over the past year she felt she’d gotten to know Maya Bethany, having read her appeals to the board in equal parts horror and admiration. And now, here she was. Almost exactly as Roberta had imagined.

 

coverWA

Final cover of Willful Avoidance – what do you think?

Read the rest of the chapter here

Off to See the Wizard

This post is the last in a series called “Secrets of a Kick-Ass Tax Woman” beginning with “Fresh from the Trash Can.”

NotheBOE

When I first found out about the Board of Equalization I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Somewhere in the valley fog between the coast and mountains of California was a wonderful group of human beings just waiting to save me from a crushing tax debt with a wave of their magic wands!  I couldn’t wait to plead my case, to tell them what I’d been through, and to have them severely chastise the taxman who’d been hounding me.   

th-1

“I’m so glad there’s a Board of Equalization – I’m sure they’re absolutely lovely people!”

Of course, I had a ton of apple strudel in my noodle. 

From Willful Avoidance, Secrets of a Kick Ass Tax Woman, a conversation between the protagonist and her attorney from the poor attorney’s POV:


“The Board of Equalization? What is it?”
“It’s a them. You vote for them every four years.”
It was amazing how many people had no idea how tax laws were enforced and adjudicated. No idea. Living each day blissfully ignorant and apathetic about tax laws that could destroy them for the slightest of infractions. Voting every four years for a representative to the Board of Equalization with no idea why, their bios and statements of policy and intent ignored or used to line bird cages.
“Among other things, the Board of Equalization is the court of last resort for the taxpayer. There are five members of the board. Four are elected separately—from each of the four different districts of California,” he explained. How much of this did she really want to know? he wondered. Despite her many insecurities and her tendency to overdramatize, she seemed intelligent, “The fifth member is always the state controller. He or she generally serves as the chairman of the board.”

Frodo

“I will take my case to the Land of Mordor and plead with the Evil Sauron to free me from an unfair debt.”

As in the story, quickly and without a hint of ambiguity, my lawyer informed me that there was no wizard hiding behind the curtains in Sacramento. Just a group of politicians who probably wouldn’t even read my twenty-six pieces of evidence but instead hand the appeal over to a first year law student to read and summarize.  The more he went on about their procedures and possible conservative biases the more I felt like Frodo from the The Lord of the Rings.  

Images from bing.com

Secrets of a Kick Ass Tax Woman

carollayton-1

The Kick-Ass Tax Woman

The holidays are officially over and done.  I’ve taken down the Christmas decorations and now, as promised, it’s time to get back to work on Secrets of a Kick Ass Tax Woman, a series of posts I began just before the holidays in support of a book which should be out in a couple of months.  Because a battle for so-called “innocent spouse relief” is at the heart of the story. I thought I’d fill readers in on just exactly what it was.  

First, since it’s been a while, let’s recap previous Secrets posts .

  • Fresh from the Trash Bin – the tax man tells you your tit’s in the ringer but you have no idea why.  You’ve been such a good wife so WTF!!! 

    The ideal innocent Spouse Candidate

    The ideal innocent Spouse Candidate

  • Five Deadly Sins in the Eyes of the Taxman – why you shouldn’t have been such a good wife in the first place but, alas, now it’s too late.
  • Three Easy Pieces – what you can do about it other than roll over and play dead. (the thing you’d like to do)

For those of you wondering what the heck I’m talking about, if you can’t answer the following questions, then you really do need to start at the beginning of the series: Fresh from the Trash Bin.  Reading  tax jargon without some background has blinded many an innocent soul.

Yee Olde Innocent Spouse Quiz:

  1. If you’re divorced, living in a trailer park, making minimum
    DorotheaLange

    Photo by Dorothea Lange

    wage, zero bank account and four children to feed, will the tax man still come after you for a debt your ex-husband incurred?

  2. Can you request innocent spouse relief from the taxman if you filed income tax returns separately from your spouse?
  3. What is the one thing many people vow while getting married that is a sin in the eyes of the taxman?

The answers are – 1.) You betcha!  2.) No and  3.) Vowing to “obey” your spouse.

Okay, to those of you who feel comfortable enough to go on, let’s pretend your tit’s in the proverbial wringer and  there’s seemingly no way out – now what do you do? Well, here’s what I did: 

1.) Divorced my husband hoping that the tax man would clear me.

This does not work, friends. But it will make you feel better and, if you are like I was, a stay-at-home mom who had to go back to work at minimum wage jobs, it will make you look more pathetic.

2.) Begged for mercy from the taxman.  

Ha!  If you’re lucky, your case will be assigned to a kind-hearted human being willing to help you file for innocent spouse relief (I had just such a person when dealing with the IRS, however I was far, far less fortunate with the state).  Keep in mind, tax collectors receive their bonuses and promotions based on how much money they bring in and not on their compassionate treatment of taxpayers.

3.)  Hired a tax attorney. 

Mockingbird

The ideal lawyer but alas, most attorneys don’t like to go to court and would much rather get a settlement ahead of time.

There are a couple of things about lawyers you need to know before you go to that expense.  If you think a tax attorney will plead for complete relief from an unfair tax burden, forget it.  They will urge you to work out a settlement.  They will tell you it’s not wise to fight because, you see, in the court of tax law you are guilty and must prove your innocence.  But they will help you to understand the requirements for innocent spouse.  Trust me, unless you’re a lawyer, reading provisions from the tax code will drive you insane.

I’m sure you’re wondering what the actual process for requesting innocent spouse relief is.  Here goes:

  • First you complete a form (8857) that lists your assets, your income, and debts.
  • Next you get three of your long time neighbors to write letters attesting to your meager and miserable lifestyle during the year in question.  (Good luck to you on that one.  Most people are very squeamish about getting involved with the tax man in any way, shape or manner) 
  • Last you provide proof – as much as you can get ahold of – that your spouse hid information about finances from you.  I had twenty-six letters from my divorce attorney. I called them “The Exhibits A-Z.”  

Finally bundle up the whole shebang and sent it to the taxman. Then wait for their response.

If the answer comes thusly:

It is clear that appellant has failed to meet her burden of overcoming rebuttable correctness of respondent’s determination.

This is taxman speak for “your appeal has been rejected.”

Do not despair, as I did, it need not be the end.

Next – The court of last resort…

ValleyView

No, the court of last resort is not a heavenly intervention!

The Three “Easy” Pieces

MrsCleaver

Back in the days when women wore a strand of pearls and high heels to make dinner. “My husband takes care of all our financial affairs!”

This post is a continuation on the dreary subject of taxes, specifically something called Innocent Spouse Relief, a law enacted to protect women from enormous tax debts incurred by their husbands.  It was established at a time when most women worked from home, allowing their husbands to take charge of finances.  As you can imagine, it’s changed over the years.

Currently there are three “conditions” which anyone filing for Innocent Spouse Relief must satisfy.  On the surface they sound relatively straight forward but they’re not.  And the tax man is very strict about these waitressrequirements – if they don’t think you’ve satisfied all three, your appeal will go unanswered. It’s kind of like that famous scene from the movie Five Easy Pieces….  No substitutions! 

The first condition is that you filed a joint tax return with your spouse.  Now this may sound like a silly requirement  because if you were leery enough of your spouse’s financial shenanigans to file separately, why would you need innocent spouse relief?

The complications arise if you live in one of the nine  “community property” states in America where all property acquired during marriage (except for gifts and inheritance) is considered jointly owned and thus both spouses have a 50/50 liability for taxes due no matter who brought in the majority of the loot.  According to TurboTax, most people filing separately are going through a divorce, however, they warn that if your divorce is not final by the end of the tax year you’re still considered married by the IRS no matter how long you may have been separated. Thus, filing separately in a community property state is not guaranteed to protect you should the taxman throw one his famous penalty flags. Plus, you lose your ability to file for relief should your soon-to-be ex flee the country leaving you holding the bag. 

brando

Godfather, please make my husband come clean. Break his legs if you need to!

The second condition addresses knowledge and, my favorite bug-a-boo, the duty of inquiry.  How much knowledge did you have of your ex-husband’s financial situation—and how much you should have known—based on your education and experience and on the lifestyle you were enjoying. As I mentioned in the previous post, the IRS position is that it’s your duty as a prudent taxpayer to get the information you need from your spouse in order to understand tax returns before you sign them, using whatever means at your disposal.  Works best if you’ve got buddies in the Mafia.    

richwoman

Honest Mr. Taxman – I had no idea my husband made so much money! Excuse me while I shuttle off to Bermuda for my spa treatments!

The third condition is the one that sinks most appeals.  For me, it was the easiest to prove but apparently many women drive around in Ferraris, shop on Rodeo Drive and winter in Aspen all the while unaware their husbands have money.  Then, after being confronted by the taxman, they try to claim innocent spouse relief.  I have to point out that the tax man  doesn’t care if at the time of the appeal you’re working a minimum wage job, living in a trailer park and supporting three kids.  If, during the year covered by the tax return, you and your spouse lived a very lavish life style you cannot apply for innocent spouse relief…. 

Okay – that’s it for the taxes.  Sheesh. It’s the holidays!  On to something fun!

All the images on this post are from Bing.com