I’ve been getting prepaid cremation offers since I was in my early forties. At that time I had no extra money sitting around with which to secure the “peace of mind” of knowing that my “remains would not be a burden” to my loved ones. However, had I been truly budget conscious I would have skimped and saved and grabbed up one of those suckers. Cremation costs have quadrupled since the 1990s. I could have locked in a $700 no frills trip to the crematorium!
But, is it really a good idea to prepay for cremation services decades before the main event? Sure, someone will save a bundle but it won’t be you! Besides, who’s to say there won’t be a newer more efficient method of body vaporization by the time you kick the buckle?
Imagine this scenario:
May 5, 2030
Funeral Director to the daughter of the deceased: Sorry for your loss, Bridey
Bridey: Well, she was one hundred and thirty years old. Thank goodness she prepaid for her cremation. Otherwise I don’t know how we’d —“
Funeral Director: Thank you for bringing in the original receipt. Heavens! It’s been decades since we dealt in paper.
Bridey: Mother never did trust the “internets” as she called them.
FD: I’m sure you realize that bio-disposal technology has greatly evolved since the 1990s. A process that used to take several hours, and meant you had to wait at least day for the processed remains of your loved one, now takes mere seconds! That means you could walk out of here with your mother’s ashes in less than an hour! Of course —
Bridey: You want more money.
FD: Nitey Time Mortuaries will stand by our original commitment but we phased out our old equipment years ago and so, if you choose not to upgrade, we will have to transport your mother’s remains to Reno Auto Wrecking for processing.
Bridey: Reno Auto Wrecking?
FD: Yes, they bought the old machines for parts but I believe they still have one intact crematorium which they use for … well you probably don’t want to know. Didn’t your mother once worked there?
Bridey: Yes she was their bookkeeper but —
FD: I’m sure they’d treat her remains with dignity and respect. However, we are prepared to give you a huge discount on our newer services because she was one of our legacy customers….”
Bridey: Yeah, I bet you are.
Despite my snark, the few times I’ve dealt with funeral directors they’ve been wonderful. But knowing my kids, they’ll have my remains composted into a cubic foot of nutrient rich soil for a quick and dirty green burial. It’s fine with me I just don’t wanna to know the process! I’m sure it involves all sorts of creepy crawlies. I mean, it must, right? If I understand the composting process, my body will basically become a cubic foot of worm poop. Well, who knows? I may have started out that way.
Now onto those daily offers to learn the “humorous, inspiring and practical” side of downsizing for my ultimate transition to the Life Plan Community of HumanGood. I can’t imagine anything humorous about throwing out grandma’s treasures. Obviously I’ve got a long way to go.
Saying nothing in particular 
Funny and yes I agree what’s the purpose of prepaying for our exit. The business owners must be wringing their hands in glee and nowadays businesses go bust with no warning. Most of us will leave a certain amount of money to be used for the celebration.
I’m sure that if you prepaid for cremation thirty years ago, the funeral home will try to charge your beneficiaries extra. Otherwise how could they keep up? Their costs haven’t stayed the same. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
I would put the money aside on term deposit and compound the interest. Not prepay for it as it doesn’t make sense.
That’s a good idea!
I vote for self-immolation. You want ashes, here’s your gotdamn ashes. Phoom!
I don’t want my goddamn ashes – throw them out of sea. Feed them to the fishes.
Back home you still have to bury the ashes. Sigh…
I’m inpired by this! Worm poop! That’s so me
As a gardener you know what composting means! We worship our worms and their poop!
And what happens if you prepay and Nitey Night goes out of business before you croak? Do your loved ones just build a bonfire out back and buy a giant bag of marshmallows?
I’m all for planning but also comfortable letting someone else take care of where I ultimately end up on this earth. After all funeral arrangements are for the living, not the dead.
I think it helps when someone lets you know what they want done. Peace of mind is very important after someone you love dies!
So sad 😞 with your daughter. Anita
Very good story. I have dealt with a few funeral directors. Not my cup of tea. Best thing indeed is to have one plan already bought. It means relatives don’t have to go through the hassle…
May you (we) not need one in a very long time… 🙏🏻
Thank you!
Now this sure is intimidatingly funny! 🙂
Thanks!
Hi Jan, a most entertaining post. I’m rather keen on the worm poop idea. I would like to give back to the earth when I leave it.
I agree – I just don’t need to know the process!
No … 🌞
We’ve paid off our funeral plans and everything is organised so the lads don’t have to worry! ….I doubt we’ll live long enough for things to change. Definitely I am being cremated.. I don’t like creepy crawlies and I hate the ❄️❄️❄️!
loved your story 💜🍀🎶
That was quite funny, Jan.
Yes, who knows where the wind blows…once I’m a pile of ashes,soit doesn’t matter.
A pile of poop, eh?
Well, the earth needs us. It’s a modern addition to the old send off; ashes to ashes, dust to dust, poop to poop.
Cheers!
Thanks Resa! They make the process sound magical but gardeners know what composting means! And it involves creepy crawlies! I just don’t want to know!
Right!