Okay Hollywood, Brad Pitt’s not getting any younger

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After a month of feeling lost and stressed to the point of damaging my health, I’ve decided not to rush my books back into print but to steady my nerves and move forward one step at a time.

It’s mortifying to think back on those first heady months as a “published writer.”  Don’t laugh, but I actually bought a day planner to keep track of all the events I’d be invited to, the book signings, the interviews, the meetings with Hollywood producers all begging to transform FLIPKA into a block-buster mega hit starring Brad Pitt as Captain Wug.Pitt

Those of you who’ve read the book are thinking “Pitt’s too young.”  Well, if and when FLIPKA ever makes it to the big screen, he’ll be too damn old.

Suffice it to say, the day planner was a complete waste of money. Oh, I worked my fanny off begging and pleading for reviews, blogging, tweeting, pinning, throwing a release party, meeting with a book club (thanks MA) and signing books up in Reno (thanks Mom) –  but as the months went by, no calls from Hollywood.

After realizing there would probably never be a FlipkaWorld at Disneyland I moved on to my next hope for fame and fortune, The Graduation Present. Surely it would intrigue the movie people. It had adventure, romance and another made-for-Hollywood character, Oncle Boob.  But they better hurry.  Brad Pitt will soon be too old to play him too.

Brad Pitt lookalike, Oncle Boob

Brad Pitt lookalike, Oncle Boob

Unknowingly I had committed a mortal sin by writing that book. I’d changed genres. Cross-genre writers are literally the two-headed monsters of the literary world. Ask any expert on “branding.”

Ah well. I’ll probably republish the first two books with minor changes.  However the third book I need your help with. I’ve never liked the title – Willful Avoidance. Sure, it deals with a grim subject – Innocent Spouse Relief – but that doesn’t mean it has to be saddled with a grim name. Can you think of a funny title for a book about divorce and taxes that ends with a talking dog?  Thanks!

The Typo That Got Away

Are you really, really ready to publish this book?

Are you really, really ready to publish this book?

I missed Shakespeare’s birthday celebration because I was in the middle of final, final edits.  Those of you who are writers are keenly aware of the abject horror of final, final edits. Basically the publisher says to you: “Here is your last chance to catch embarrassing typos, missing words, misplaced commas, etc.  After you sign off, your work will be paraded naked through Amazon and, if you missed anything, you will be the laughing stock of the literary world. But what do we care.  You’re not making us any money.”

And you know, don’t you know, don’t you know, that despite the many, many, many times you and your editor and the proofreader go over the manuscript, as night follows day, something will be missed.

It was . . . The Typo That Got Away!

It was . . . The Typo That Got Away!

Oh yes.  That nasty little bugger – the  Typo That Got Away – is hiding somewhere in the text, somewhere weary eyes haven’t a chance of finding him.

However, that first reviewer, oh yes, never fear.  Your first reviewer will find it.  And they’ll dangle it in front of your face as if to say –  “what kind of a writer are you anyway?”

Buy my book!  Review my book!

Buy my book! Review my book!

Sigh.  The second worst thing about final, final edits is – guess what – it’s Circus Barker time because you know if you don’t start out of the gate with 35 five star reviews well, you might as well have never written the book at all.  You’ve just frigging wasted all the years of your life you devoted to writing it.

I’m not a huge fan of Kafka but when it’s Circus Barker time I feel like I’m devolving into a giant praying mantis, sliming all my friends and colleagues.

PrayingMantis

Write me a review or else!

Beetlejuice

The Typo That Got Away

I know what.  This time I’ll do it a little differently.  I’ll offer a reward for the Typo that Got Away.  Dead or Alive. Or better yet, I’ll sell my soul to . . . Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice