I’ve a friend named Duke (click here to meet him).  Oft times I open emails from this gent at one o’clock in the afternoon and my first thought is “damn, it’s too early for a drink!”  Mostly because he’s rifting on a subject I’d rather discuss sitting on a beach, frosty margarita in hand, watching the sun set over a calm green ocean.

But he lives in Mexico and I live thousands of miles to the north. So we have to toast each other with virtual margaritas.

Most of the time we bitch about the realities of publishing in a world which conspires to turn socially awkward writers into bug-eyed circus barkers desperate to validate the time they’ve wasted writing and then alienating family and friends by pleading for those absolutely vital reviews.

I’ve given up on that last bit. Your friends might like you but not share your taste in literature.  Or they might think you’re a crappy writer and not want to tell you. Some don’t have the time to spare. At any rate, it’s not worth all the trauma.

However, Duke has come up with an ingenious idea for getting reviews!  Or an ignoble one, who knows.  He’s going to invite all the reviewers on Amazon who specialize in cruel but witty reviews of contemporary novels to review his book.  Since he’s written an honest and brutal account of his journeys around the world as an aid worker, I can’t wait to see what the League of Vile but Witty Literary Reviewers has to say. I’ll let you know.

Today I leave you with a few cruel (though not necessarily witty) reviews of very famous novels from Lit Reactor, in a post by Meredith Borders.  See if you can match the review with the book being vilified (misspellings are those of the reviewers):

1. “Each adventure is tedious, repititious and inane… and there’s over 500 pages of it.”
2. “But let’s be honest:  It’s as fun as reading the telephone book.”
3. “I ended up throwing this book away after reading about 5 chapters.  If you enjoy reading pedophilic ramblings of a perv, go for it! Yuk!”
4. “This book in my opinion should get the “Turkey of the Century” award.  A big book B-B-Q should be devoted to all the copies in print.”
5. So if you see *** at your neighbor’s garage sale, go ahead and buy it, hallow it out and put a handgun in it.  Or leave it next to your toilet if you have unwanted guests. Beat your disobedient child with it.  Put it in your fireplace and have a nice glass of vodka.  Just don’t read it.  You have been warned.”

a.) Anna Karenina b.) Huckleberry Finn c.) Lolita  d.) Ulysses by James Joyce not Homer e.) Don Quixote

Images used in this post (save Duke) are from Bing.com