Category Posts

I’ve got a long way to go

JT Twissel 24 Comments

I’ve been getting prepaid cremation offers since I was in my early forties. At that time I had no extra money sitting around with which to secure the “peace of mind” of knowing that my “remains would not be a burden” to my loved ones. However, had I been truly budget conscious I would have skimped and saved and grabbed up one of those suckers. Cremation costs have quadrupled since the 1990s. I could have locked in a $700 no frills trip to the crematorium!

Mourning Doves in a dying smoke tree.

But, is it really a good idea to prepay for cremation services decades before the main event? Sure, someone will save a bundle but it won’t be you! Besides, who’s to say there won’t be a newer more efficient method of body vaporization by the time you kick the buckle?

Imagine this scenario:

May 5, 2030

Funeral Director to the daughter of the deceased: Sorry for your loss, Bridey

Bridey: Well, she was one hundred and thirty years old. Thank goodness she prepaid for her cremation. Otherwise I don’t know how we’d —“

Funeral Director: Thank you for bringing in the original receipt. Heavens! It’s been decades since we dealt in paper.

Bridey: Mother never did trust the “internets” as she called them.

FD: I’m sure you realize that bio-disposal technology has greatly evolved since the 1990s. A process that used to take several hours, and meant you had to wait at least day for the processed remains of your loved one, now takes mere seconds! That means you could walk out of here with your mother’s ashes in less than an hour! Of course —

Bridey: You want more money.

FD: Nitey Time Mortuaries will stand by our original commitment but we phased out our old equipment years ago and so, if you choose not to upgrade, we will have to transport your mother’s remains to Reno Auto Wrecking for processing.

Bridey: Reno Auto Wrecking?

FD: Yes, they bought the old machines for parts but I believe they still have one intact crematorium which they use for … well you probably don’t want to know. Didn’t your mother once worked there?

Bridey: Yes she was their bookkeeper but —

FD: I’m sure they’d treat her remains with dignity and respect. However, we are prepared to give you a huge discount on our newer services because she was one of our legacy customers….”

Bridey: Yeah, I bet you are.

Despite my snark, the few times I’ve dealt with funeral directors they’ve been wonderful. But knowing my kids, they’ll have my remains composted into a cubic foot of nutrient rich soil for a quick and dirty green burial. It’s fine with me I just don’t wanna to know the process! I’m sure it involves all sorts of creepy crawlies. I mean, it must, right? If I understand the composting process, my body will basically become a cubic foot of worm poop. Well, who knows? I may have started out that way.

Now onto those daily offers to learn the “humorous, inspiring and practical” side of downsizing for my ultimate transition to the Life Plan Community of HumanGood. I can’t imagine anything humorous about throwing out grandma’s treasures. Obviously I’ve got a long way to go.

The Silence of the Sun

JT Twissel 38 Comments

When the Sunday paper arrives, Joel grabs the funnies and I grab a section called “Insight” which includes commentaries, political endorsements, puzzles and “Life Tributes” (which, I guess, is a nicer way of saying “Obituaries”) I’m at the age where I do run into a name I recognize every now and then but more often I run into the names of people I wish I’d known.

For example, a writer by the N. Scott Momaday died last month. His name didn’t ring any bells and it should have. I mean, among his many honors he did win the Pulitzer Prize for his debut novel House Made of Dawn.

The title of this blog is from Momaday’s poem If I could ascend.

Something like a leaf lies here within me;/ it wavers almost not at all,/ and there is no light to see it by/ that it withers upon a black field./ If it could ascend the thousand years into my mouth,/I would make a word of it at last,/ and I would speak it into the silence of the sun.

And so I have another author to discover.

Besides Dr. Momaday, the world lost Simone whose “greatest legacy was the people she raised who are kind, caring and productive.” And the world lost Court Appointed Special Advocate, Artie, who was “quick witted and playful and adored children.” And Dolly whose “door was always open. Dolly’s kitchen was always open. Dolly’s heart was always open.” And Jim, whose “unconventional teaching tactics and personal touch inspired students to read with insight and write with purpose.” There are many more wonderful folks but I will end with Julio whose “generosity was boundless, helping all those that he met each day” and Lee who “loved to say he was swimming in a sea of friends and what a sea it was.” Ah, swimming in a sea of friends. Just that phrase tells you a lot about someone, doesn’t it?

Flying into another week.

The Stander On’er Thinger

JT Twissel 34 Comments

I have a confession to make: I am not as old as Joe Biden nor that other guy. But I stuttered as a child and had to endure speech therapy for years. Nevertheless, I still stumble over words … all the friggin’ time. When I’m tired I sound drunk. When I leave messages on people’s answering machines I sound drunk. And, given the fact that my mother was from Massachusetts, I say things like “take out the gobbage” and “woofs” instead of “wolves.” I also have math dyslexia and cannot write down a phone number properly. So I don’t judge people by how they speak or their occasional lapses in memory. Remember, the guy below was only 54 when he was elected president. 

But my biggest problem has always been what they call “word retrieval difficulties.” Thus, my language is peppered with zingers like: “Bring me the whatchamacallit.” And “Dr. What’s His Name told me to use the thingamajig to take my … ah … what’sitcalled?” It’s not age related and it’s not getting any worse (or better) with age. It certainly hasn’t tampered me in anyway. I’ve managed to teach classes and give a speech once or twice without sounding like an idiot (or so I was told).

My husband, who is also not quite Biden’s age, has a mind like a computer.  Or so I thought until …  the other day he asked me to bring him the Stander On’er Thinger. 

The Stander On’er Thinger otherwise known as a Stepper On’er Thingie

Well, I guess he won’t be running for president.

My garden dragon otherwise known as a What the Heck is it?

Happy Year of the Dragon! 

In the high and the low

JT Twissel 36 Comments

Nothing is more beautiful or frightening than an incoming storm.

Or several. Here in Northern California we are expecting another atmospheric river. The next time you hear from me, I might have gills. 

“The open doors of small shops and taverns gaped wearily out at God’s world, like many hungry jaws.” From Chameleon

Meanwhile, closer to the ground, signs of Spring. Whenever the weather is as gloomy and grey as it has been, I’m drawn … once again and forever more to … Anton Chekhov. I’ve had a crush on him since I was a teenager … before the Beatles, before the Stones, there was Chekhov.

Anton Chekhov (1860-1904) was not only one of Russia’s most celebrated authors, he was also a doctor and a humanitarian. The misery he often wrote about, he’d seen first hand.

“This poor, foolish queer creature, whom I loved the more warmly the more ragged and dirty his smart summer overcoat became, had come to Moscow, five months before, to look for a job as copying-clerk.” From Oysters

“It seems to me that in the presence of Anton Pavlovich everyone felt an unconscious desire to be simpler, more truthful, more himself ... ” Maxim Gorky, after visiting Chekhov in his dying days

I’ve read that in Russia he is still most famous for the “comics” (100 word articles written under strict deadlines for newspaper). They’ve been described as “uninspired sneers at the weaknesses and follies of mankind,” “a sanctuary of every kind of vulgarity and bad taste,” “trivial buffoonery,” “lacking the normal gift of nonsense,” and finally, “unworthy of translation.” Ouch! But hey, we all have to start somewhere.  

Are you drawn to read about long dead Russian authors on dark and dreary days? Or am I strange?

“Any idiot can face a crisis; it’s the day to day living that knocks you out.” Anton Chekhov

Darwin was wrong

JT Twissel 19 Comments

The other day … after learning that Turnip won the Iowa primary because of the Evangelical vote (or so it was reported on the cable news) … I flipped the channel and Inherit the Wind was playing. The original black and white movie, with Spencer Tracy and Frederic March.

If you’ve never seen the movie or play, it’s about small town in Tennessee full of church going folks who believe that the Bible should be taken literally and never questioned. To question “The Word” is to invite the wrath of God and since they are all soldiers in God’s army, they will become His wrath, His mighty sword. So, when high school students begin arriving home with questions about certain aspects of the Genesis story, their parents are outraged. Few have even heard of Darwinism, but they are easily whipped into a frenzy by their holy roller preacher. He convinces them that their children have been exposed to evil by their high school science teacher and now that teacher must die. They must be the wrath of God; His mighty sword. Soon the battle cry of “hang Bert Cates from a sour apple tree” rings through the town as they throw rocks at the jail where the teacher is being held for breaking a law banning the teaching of evolution.

Church going Christians hanging the high school science teacher in effigy

The resulting trial is a farce where all evidence that Darwinism is not a threat to morality is suppressed. Cates is found guilty and fined. But it’s fairly obvious that to lead a normal life, he will have to move far from that town.

What does that movie have to do with the evangelical support for Turnip, you might ask. In the book The Kingdom, the Power and the Glory Tim Alberta writes that evangelists believe God wants the United States to be his kingdom on earth and that they must do everything in their power to make sure that happens, even if it means taking up arms. This belief has been reinforced over the decades by televangelists out to make their own kingdoms on earth … the same snake oil salesmen who convince donors that Jesus Christ wants them to have a private jet like Turnip’s. (So give often and give generously). Apparently all of the seven deadly sins are forgivable as long you’ve taken up the sword and are willing to fight in God’s army.

This explanation makes sense, particularly in remote and isolated communities although it doesn’t make me feel better about future of this country. As Gene Kelly (playing H.L. Mencken*) said: “Darwin was wrong; man is still an ape.”

*H.L. Mencken was the journalist who covered the Scopes (Monkey) Trial upon which Inherit the Wind was based. His acerbic wit is often compared to Mark Twain and Jonathan Swift.