My teeth will outlive me

God gave us two sides to our mouth because he also gave us teeth guaranteed to rot over the years. Then he invented a special breed of human, one who would, for the price of a Maserati, endure twenty years of sticking their hands in other people mouths.  He called them dentists.  Then he said onto them “Behold! You have the God-given ability to make even the mighty feel like slobbering fools.”

You’ve probably guessed that half my face is numb and my chin is sagging down to the floor.  My stomach is full of the crap that never gets completely sucked out by those vacuum cleaner things you’re required to pucker up to and kiss. And tonight my dinner will be tepid mashed potatoes and warm wine.

Apparently the dental assistant saw right through me.  She knew that unwarned I would bolt out of the dentist’s office to the nearest restaurant and scarf down a steak burrito and then head for the ice cream shop.  While she still had me upside down, she leaned into my face and ordered in broken English. “Do not shoe on dis side.  Do not eat or dink till numb is gone.  Do not eat hot or cold. Do not floss dis side.”  Then recognizing I couldn’t focus my eyeballs on her face, she handed me a sheet of instructions.  “You put on frig!  Two hours, no eat! No dink.”

If I lose that temporary crown she’ll probably make me wear a sign around my neck that reads “Bad Patient! Not follow instructions.”

My current dentist started out as a classical pianist which I guess is reassuring as he grinds out all those silver fillings put in when I was a teenager who could not go a day without chocolate.  He sweetly informed me:  “Your new cap will have a life time guarantee!”

I don’t know how I feel about having body parts that have a lifetime guarantee.  Good grief.  I don’t have a lifetime left.

28 thoughts on “My teeth will outlive me

    • I’m sure it is. At my age, it will never be challenged unless my survivors decide they really need the dough. I wish those guarantees had existed when I was ten. But alas…

  1. I know it’s not funny, but I couldn’t help but laugh. Been there, done that, had no fun either. For the amount of money I’ve spent on my mouth, it better last me for the rest of my life!!!

  2. Teeth pain is awful and I’m sorry about your teeth issues but I’m laughing here. Your way with words is great. I’d love see “Bad Patient! Not follow instructions” written on those paper towel bib things they put on you. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?

  3. The humor of this post was marvelous. I loved the intro. And then the bit about steak and ice cream, AS IF! Haha! I go later this month to have a crown examined and I don’t think I have a lifetime warranty. He will either repair or replace, cost unknown. I have so many crowns I’ve lost count. I suppose it’s the dentist’s goal to get them all?

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