Easter Sunday Grandma took a ride on a roller coaster with Santa Claus. She chose Santa as her companion over a zombie and the Green Hornet because she always wanted to ride in Santa’s sleigh, however the sleigh cost extra and so she was asked to choose between Indiana Jones’ jeep or the Batmobile. She chose the jeep because the roller coaster was going through Jurassic Park and it just seemed more appropriate. Plus Grandma doesn’t like cars that ride low to the ground, particularly if she’s going to be encountering brontosauruses. She and Santa might end up squashed like bugs.
“Do you want to shoot the dinosaurs?” They asked Grandma.
“Not really!” She said.
“Ho, ho, ho!”

Grandma looked to her right and there sat Santa Claus staring blankly at her.
“Reach out and touch Santa, Grandma!”
But when she reached over her arm turned into pink plastic and twisted like taffy. She’d become a friggin’ Barbie Doll! Granny Barbie, that’s what she was! One of her “fingers” touched Santa and he said “Ho, ho, ho” but didn’t change his expression.
“Take the stick, Grandma and see what it will do.” They put the stick in her plastic hands and she pushed the buttons. The ride started. “If you get dizzy, shut your eyes.”
“Ho, ho, ho,” said Santa as they began rolling over green hills. Here and then raptors trotted across the fields nipping at each other as the jeep bounced along. A very serene scene and then …
“Whoooooa,” said Grandma as the jeep suddenly dropped into a deep canyon.

The skies grew darker and suddenly they were in a jungle where boa constrictors and tarantulas hung from the trees. “Ho, ho, ho,” said Santa as Grandma pressed more buttons and there were small explosions. Well, these buttons aren’t worth a fig! Grandma thought a they emerged from the jungle and headed for a cliff. “Holy Cow,” Grandma said aloud as the jeep became airborne and they flew through a sky filled with pterodactyls and other flying dinosaurs whose names Grandma didn’t know. “Ho, ho, ho,” said Santa, as they tried to bite off his head.

By now Grandma’d had enough of Santa. “Shut up!” She told him. “Ho, ho, ho,” he responded still smiling like the bloody idiot he was! “We’re in mortal danger and all you can say is “ho,ho,ho.”

The jeep was on a track again, this time moving rapidly backwards while being chased by snapping Tyrannosaurus Rexes. “Ho, ho, ho,” said Santa as they grew in size and surrounded the now dead Jeep, snapping and growling and barring their teeth. “I guess we’re goners,” Grandma said and guess how Santa responded?

“How did you like the ride?” They asked Grandma as they removed the goggles from her head.

“Well, I’m not going with Santa again! I think I’ll take my chances with the zombie instead.”

“Ho, ho, ho.” They all laughed.

• Images are from Bing images