What if …

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is a “what if” movie written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. Matt Damon plays Rick Dalton, a washed up cowboy star at a time when Roman Polanski is the hottest director in town (the late 1960s). Polanski is renting the house next door to Dalton but he and his friends live in the fame bubble, everything is wonderful and will be forever and ever. There’s even a scene of Sharon Tate going into a theater alone just to revel in the audience reaction to her movie while Dalton drowns in self pity, aided by his longtime stunt double, Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt).

This movie could have had a predictable ending but it doesn’t. I won’t give away Tarantino’s secret sauce in case you haven’t seen it, but damn if Fractured Fairytales didn’t immediately leap to mind.

If you don’t have time to watch the clip, the story starts out familiar and then veers wildly astray, generally into areas of extreme political incorrectness! I’m sure if Fractured Fairytales were on air today, there would be howls from all sides. But, if I ever met Tarantino, I’d have to ask him what role the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons had in his vision for movie making. I think he’s old enough to have watched them. Maybe not. Sigh.


Just an aside: These delightfully warped tales were narrated by Edward Everett Horton who once famously said “Nobody’s older than me and, if they are, they’re not in circulation.”
I’m definitely feeling that today!

It’s already been said again and again …

I took this shot from my deck yesterday. Have you ever taken a picture that captures exactly the way you feel? The oak in the middle of the picture is not dead. It wasn’t even covered in ice. It was as if the trees felt my despair and spoke to me. We feel it too. The world feels it.

A few years back I took this picture:

I have no idea what buttons I pushed on the iPhone to get the shot. I was feeling apocalyptic at the time but the moon didn’t blow up.

So many bloggers I’ve known for years are quitting. It started during the Trump years when it was hard to sit down at the keyboard and pretend half the US hadn’t just lost their minds. And then came the plague which brought forth a fresh round of craziness. For many bloggers, it was saner to just walk away.

And now we have this unthinkable war and what can you say? Nothing because it’s already been said again and again and again.

The last sun of the century set
amidst the blood red clouds of the West
and the whirlwind of hatred
the naked passion of selflove of Nations,
in its drunken delirium of greed,
is dancing to the clash of steel
and the howling verses of vengeance
The hungry self of Nation shall burst in a violence of fury
from its own shameless feeding
For it has made the world its food

R. Tagore, written just before WWI

“For every storm, a rainbow; for every tear, a smile.” An old Irish blessing

The Eucalyptus Grove

The other day I was feeling nostalgic and old, which in my case, sometimes manifests a poem (or my attempt at a poem). To Carol and Griselda

I always feared the eucalyptus grove. 
But to get to castle rock,
And brag to hesitant bones that our minds
still had the power to rule our wretched bodies.
And that time
Mighty time, unforgiving time,
had no harness we couldn’t break …
We had to pass through the eucalyptus grove.

Our walk till then, under open skies,
With horizons both east and west 
As far as the mind could fathom 
Of the ocean and the mountains,
The cows grazing in the fields
And ships heading out to sea,
The city below with all of it’s nooks and crannies exposed 
Deceived us into lazy thinking.

And then, to toad-croak mating songs, we’d enter the grove 
Pelted by pods and petal-less flowers
Twigs and eucalyptus dust from
the murmuring and jiggering …
Constant flapping of earth bound wings
Trapped and endlessly wailing …
Even on a calm day … Gum trees.

Oh the smell!
you would say and lapse into thinking
You could win
One more madcap challenge to the Outback,
Just one more time with old Matilda
Riding Black
Just one more time,
A skinny dip in the Indian Ocean after 
Days of sweat and dust.  

The boughs are cracking over head and we are drifting, I know not where … 

Then let’s run! Run through the eucalyptus grove.

Something was always lost or stolen
each time through that grove.
Could you feel it?

No, I couldn’t either.
Not at the time.

Then let’s run as fast as we can,
through the eucalyptus grove.

Blood in the Exchange

Duke Miller's avatartin hats

Like a cobra, I watch the movement of currency

My head going slowly, side to side

There, there, look … a faint signal from the bowels of money

The dollar strengthens, the others weaken

I quickly rub my hands together, all for friction’s sake … building a fire in my fingers

The heat illuminating my mind, the light shining through my eyes

A dollar here, a dollar there

Each one wrapped in baby’s hair

The mud of boots against the floor, dragging the bodies outside

Lined up with the final breath of lungs, the fading of hearts, everything rising and falling

The movement of money outliving the dead

Financial projections like the sound of explosions rushing the herd toward the cliff and here we are, watching the animals fall through the air

One after the other, crashing below, the metrics of currency reacting to war

Look how much money I’ve…

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Conversations on a Pickle Ball Court

I’m not really gloating because we are still in a drought out here in Northern California and no one in their right mind wants to be in a drought … but January has been beautiful and February is starting out the same. There’s been a lot of moisture from fog and overnight frost but no real rain. So panic is setting in.

Looking west as the sun rose this morning.

Pickle ball mania has taken over my section of the world. It’s basically tennis for people who no longer want to run all over the court chasing balls. Basically, older people. So yesterday I decided to try it along with a couple of friends I’ve had for decades. They’d been in touch with a woman from our old adult soccer team who said she’d teach us. I hadn’t seen the lady in thirty years and thus, did not recognize her. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Are you the one who backed up into a pole and smashed her Mercedes?

Deb: No!!! I’ve never owned a Mercedes! I’m an engineer! Are you the lady who lost her baby at one of our soccer matches?

Liz: That was me. I lost Daniel.

Me: Oh yeah. That was the CFO who smashed her Mercedes.

Pat: That was Susan. She came with that guy who was always getting injured.

Me: The tax attorney. He told me he didn’t feel like he’d gotten enough exercise unless he got injured!

Deb: Speaking of taxes, did they ever throw your ex-husband into prison?

Me: No, somehow he got out of it. But he got into some other shenanigans.

Pat: I bet. Didn’t we find the baby sleeping under a blanket?

Eventually we did get to playing the game … in a way. A pickle ball game is considered successful if you can sustain a volley instead of land “winners.” So it’s fun. Relaxed and not at all serious. Especially if you’re remembering fun times from long ago when you were all young.

The Whatcha Gonna Do Cookin’ Show

We decided to make the Whatcha Gonna Do Stew exactly as written by Chris LeDoux, singer and songwriter. In case you don’t remember, it consisted of two steps: 1.) Chop vegetables and meat. 2.) Dump into pot of boiling water and cook until “good enough to eat.”

I cheated and added a bag of Herbs of Provence. It didn’t help. It tastes every bit as yummy as it looks.

First, you do not want to use too much water otherwise you don’t have stew; you have soup. Second, meat cooked in boiling water tastes like rubber. Even a good cut of meat. Luckily I don’t like meat so I didn’t use very much.

I should have made this picante sauce to go along with my stew – 10 jalapenos! That would have added some flavor!

One bit of caution: if you do decide to try this recipe, don’t use minced garlic from a jar. It just floats on the top of the water and looks very unappetizing.

According to the Cowboy Poet, I probably should have made my stew in a hole in the ground (in Texas with Colorado dirt and the Wyoming wind, of course).

I didn’t know anything about Chris LeDoux, who died way too young, but apparently “whatcha gonna do” was his tagline. If you go to his website, you can purchase all kinds of goodies including his “Whatcha Gonna Do” wines and spirits. Below is one of his songs.

If he had lived longer, perhaps he would have starred in his own Whatcha Gonna Do Cooking show. Unlike other cookin’ shows, no need for trips to the store for fancy spices. Just meat, potatoes and vegetables all cooked in some water. I have a feeling he was a cool guy to know but Jacques Pepin, he was not! But … whatcha gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do stew

As I have mentioned, my husband collects cookbooks. In fact, he owns every cookbook ever published by Cook’s Illustrated. If you have the time and patience (and can afford the often hard to find and expensive ingredients), I must admit most of recipes they publish are foolproof.

However this is his favorite cookbook:

With recipes from all the greatest cowboys and gals (at least in film)

By the time we were allowed to get a television, cowboy shows were a thing of the past but Joel grew up on them. This cookbook contains not only recipes but pictures of the old stars and tidbits about the television shows, movies, and songs from that era. So I can understand why he’s so fond of it.

How many stars can you match to their cowboy roles? I got 2 – Paladin and Davy Crockett

Many of the recipes were written with a snide dig at other cookbooks:

Does anyone know where Poohawk Territory is? Sigh, my grocery doesn’t sell bogus feathers!

There are even recipes for genuine cowboy cocktails:

And, if you’re having a dinner party, menu ideas (note the vegetarian option)

Note the vegetarian option

However, tonight Joel tells me he’ll be making this dish:

Pretty fancy hey? I’m so happy we spent a fortune on all those gourmet cookbooks!

I’ll let you know how it turns out. One thing I do have an affection for from those days when being a cowboy was every little boy (and some girls) dream. Cowboy songs.

What I learnt at Christmas

How was your Christmas? We spent two days driving (under the threat of stormy skies), two days shopping for last minute but absolutely critical (don’t ask) things, and two days cooking. We survived although arrived home … exhausted.

I learnt the best time to drive across LA on the 405 is 10 o’clock in the morning!

This year I tried to make linzer (jam-filled) cookies. They were okay but I learnt not to use mint jelly as a center. The cookies looked Christmassy but tasted like mouthwash.

I learnt about seals and sea lions with the other Junior Rangers. There are many differences between the two but the important one (the one I remember) is: sea lions bark and seals grunt.

Would you believe I’m the one in pink? Probably not.

I learnt that when newborn whales breach for the first time their puffs are heart-shaped. For some reason, that warmed my poor old heart.

Baby whales breaching

I learnt to enjoy being on the coast.

Looking south toward La Jolla
Lastly I learnt that a brand new, blue basketball is always a great Christmas gift. (Leave it to Granny to get a little goofy with Photoshop after a bit of the bubbly – well, perhaps a bit more than a bit!)

Christmas in Ivry

This past year has been a hard one. Like so many people I know, death has hung over me. Last year we stayed home and watched the family open presents via zoom. My husband had just lost his brother and I was frozen by the loss of my mother. So making merry was not in the schedule. But, as I have written before, my favorite Christmas stories are not about Santa Claus. Nor have they involved decorated trees and presents.

I’ve been rereading a book I published (via Booktrope) back in 2014. It was based on the year I spent in Europe as a witless, clueless blunderer and, besides a lot of really bad writing (sigh), I came across this memory of another favorite Christmas:


And so once again, I packed my duffel and hit the road, only this trip to Paris would be quite different from my first. My aunt lived in an apartment in Ivry, a working-class suburb south-east of the city. The apartment had just three rooms—a kitchen, a living room/dining room, and a bedroom. No bathroom. There was a communal bathroom down the hall—for the primarily Greek residents of the fourth floor—and a bucket in the closet for “emergencies.”
We arrived late in the evening having taken a wrong turn or two. Then, exhausted and unable to find suitable parking, we abandoned the car in a dark alley and made our way past overflowing garbage cans to the apartment building. Lover boy greeted us at the door but didn’t offer any help with my aunt’s massive suitcases. I could understand why he’d gone AWOL. He had the scrawny physique of someone who would flunk basic training so why even try. Upon seeing her lover after a week’s absence, Auntie, overcome with passion, dragged him into the bedroom where he would have to pay dearly for her efforts to get him asylum in the United States. I curled up on a couch near the window. Above my head hung a birdcage covered by a table cloth. I watched as snow fell on the colorful umbrellas in the square below until finally falling asleep.

The next morning I awoke covered in birdseed as the parakeets above me demanded to be uncovered. “Alright, alright,” I said uncovering the cage. Two parakeets, one yellow and one green, stopped their squawking to marvel at the sun pouring in through the window and then changed their tune to something more pleasant.
“I’m making cherry pies! Get freshened up and come help me!” My aunt yelled from the kitchen. She’d already assembled three pies and was covered in flour.
Lover boy, evidently exhausted by a night of passion, slept until noon. He stayed up most nights, Auntie explained, drinking red wine at a neighbor’s apartment, chain-smoking as he and his compatriots debated politics in their native language. They were all socialists and not communists, she said. Your uncle is wrong. She’d fallen in love with Che Guevara. So romantic!

I helped her make pies all day, rolling dough and sweetening fruit. That night, Christmas Eve, we took the metro to the Eiffel Tower and wandered down the boulevards, oohing and aahing at the Christmas lights and holiday decorations. Most of the restaurants and stores were closed, but there was a vendor on almost every corner selling roasted chestnuts. They smelt better than they tasted.
Christmas in France is a daylong feast. People of all different nationalities came and went from my aunt’s apartment, either crowding around the table to eat and drink or, crowding around her small television to watch the horse races. First we laid out platters of cold cuts, salamis, olives, and pickles served with a pink Chablis. Then a fish broth with baguettes. A few hours later, someone brought a roast goose and spinach quiche. There was a brief respite mid-afternoon as the ladies chatted and the men watched horse races. At the end of the day, we ate my auntie’s pies and drank champagne. I thought we were finished, but then someone arrived with a fruit and cheese platter.
I gained not only several pounds but a new boyfriend: a Frenchman in his late eighties or early nineties, who would only admit to being forty.
“Je suis âgé de quarante ans!” He boasted, throwing his short arm over my shoulders as we sat side by side sipping cognac.
“Mais oui, bien sûr!” The others laughed as someone brought forth a Polaroid camera and took pictures. My face looked swollen and my stringy hair unwashed. But he kissed the photo and swore he would keep it always. A picture of his amour. And then he grabbed my face with both of his crusty hands and gave me a passionate and juicy kiss, sending all the other guests into giggling fits.
They took Polaroids of that too.

My French boyfriend!

The day after Christmas, I caught the train back to Gunthersblum, leaving my aunt happily peeing in a chamber pot for love everlasting. It was the last time I ever saw her. Glowing as she baked her signature cherry pies for unemployed socialists. Cheerfully planning a future that would include a loving and faithful husband all the while with a twinkle in her soft brown eyes and her dimpled cheeks pink with joy.


I probably won’t get the chance to add another post before Christmas so Happy Holidays everyone. Be safe and warm and surrounded by love.

Our slice of sweet

Back in 2015 I published a series of stories about the travels I took through Europe as a clueless but cute dipshit which I entitled Europe on Five Dollars a Day. I’m extremely sentimental and so I’ve attempted to hold onto every receipt, ferry ticket, picture, and postcard from those trips. Some things have been lost but I managed to hang onto two letters I received from a young Italian by the name of Massimo. I met him after our camera was stolen so you’ll have to take my word that he was gorgeous but not at all vain.

The news has been so grim lately that yesterday I found the letters and sat down next to the window to reread them. My first thought was to transcribe Massimo’s beautiful thoughts and fix the English but … you know … they’re perfect just the way they are. At least to me.

Here’s the first one, exactly as written. If you like it, I’ll publish the second tomorrow.

Dear Jan,

Thank you for those few instants spent all together. With your smile you has been the AMERICAN DREAM of three young Italians so different for character but who represent the typical Italian today with his good qualities and his defects. I believe that one of positive points of progress is meet often persons of different countries. I believe especially among youngmen these meetings are formative. Our charge of enthusiasm, our love that is shift from religion to the humanity, let us exceed in speed the barriers of language and of custom of the world. The only obstacle remains the time that conditions us particularly. By custom we put off till tomorrow our moments of happiness, without realizing that we shall be able to have every day our slice of sweet. Lately I have read a Dale Carnegie book and I have found useful the advise to consider every day like a lemon to squeeze dry. But the day spends quick and often remains a little of juice to squeeze. When you were among us, it could not squeeze sufficiently. The opinions, the experiences, the feelings that could have blended, have remained in our mind. There, perhaps they will germinate overbearingly because they will be so as we think they are. The reality is always different, less romantic, but has always a fascination which draws us, lets us act. The action is infact the flag of a modern man. To operate, to enter into the world, to give the better part of us to others disinterestedly. That is very difficult, this is the way that about 2000 years ago had indicated us a J.Cr. and it is strewn with incomprehension.

Here at Worksop, in a fine day we have gone to Clumber Park, the nature surrounded, submerged us, reshuffled us, let us become more genuine, more human and I should have wanted to feel near me, also only to behold your eyes, and to see your smile as at Ostende the first time I met you. I write you as even if we have decided on coming to see in our travel to Italy I should like to receive your news here at Worksop to know like that you spend your time and which impressions have awakened for you these three Italian youngmen. Waiting your news with pleasure, I send you a spontaneous smile with the saluts of Albert who has tried to express in correct way these my words and of Andrei who after reading has begun to smile. Salut by all us also to Carolyn